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Post by Aria on Sept 21, 2016 23:08:42 GMT -5
Well, the meeting was an absolute bust. I got reamed by someone who was under the impression that I was secretly planning to use, was basically called a liar who was just saying things to "impress us with your sincerity" while them saying it was all bullshit, and I have no idea why.
Did not put me in a good place right now and I feel like hitting something. Mainly my own fist against my face.
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Post by cally on Sept 22, 2016 16:05:20 GMT -5
Aria I just read everything. I´m sorry about you having to fight this hard fight but you have to look at the positive changes you´ve made, I don´t know details and I don´t need to know private things but I´m sure there was a moment in youe adiction when you didn´t have the desire of get rid of that demon, but NOW YOU DO! and that´s the first big step you need to keep in mind. I don´t know if I´m doing a good job writing this to you, if I´m wrong, if you´ve tried everything, etc; but something in me refuses to just read your posts and go on with my life and not try to help you in any way I can (even if you have already told this or try this). I´m sure you´ve gone through a lot a LOT of pain in these years and I know how it feels to seak some help (like you did with that online meeting) and turned out to be worst than have done nothing, but you can´t let that bring you down. Online thins tend to be...unpersonal...sometimes that´s a good thing, like this: having this board full of people you don´t know and knowing we all here read and not judge, sometimes it helps to vent about some real personal and deep shit with strangers, so keep in mind you can do it anytime you want to. Another thing I want to tell you, I don´t know you but I know EVERY person is beautiful and every single life is a gem so I know you are too, because let´s face it, you´re going through such a dificult problem for many years and here you are, still fighting and still trying to get better and you have achieve that in the past so you know you have what it takes to. So get up!!! I don´t know if you live alone but if you don´t feel sure about staying away from alcohol and/or pills, try to find someone to stay with you or go to a friend´s house or whatever to be around someone, no matter how old we get there´s always nice to have someone to take care of us. Go and do something you enjoy, anything, a sport, shopping, going out with your friends, anything to try keep your mind away from negative thoughts (I know it´s hard, I know really well depression is not something light). It´s great you had the oportunity to do that online meeting and too bad it wasn´t good for you but as Sparrow said, that´s not the only kind of therapy, and you can always go to individual therapy with someone expert on this subject and keep in mind you may not feel great with a group or a therapist in particular but you have control over it, you can search until you find a therapist you feel comfortable with (and this is very important). I hope this actually helps you somehow. And if you need to talk, vent, ask for something you´ll always have us and I´m always available to help so you know you have these two eyes from Argentina that will read and respond and I am practically a psychologist so I will give you advice in antyhing you ask me to, you can always feel free to PM me here or Facebook or anything. Stay strong!!
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Post by me on Sept 26, 2016 5:15:02 GMT -5
Well my mission failed completley... today my girl went on and on about Justin Bieber, and his music and how famous he is and how many fans he has. They say honesty lasts the longest, so when asked if I like him, I said no, I change the radio channel when he's on... Whoops... Yeah, she didn't like him that much either after that because his songs are pretty boring... I'm a horrible person! Lol! Well I saved the situation by saying Em had so many fans outside his hotel in argentina that they blocked traffic then we somehow got in on Rihanna and Em collaborating, and she started discussing the Monster video. She can't understand how there can be two eminems at the end, one in the cage and one outside... Ugh, try to explain how complicated his mind is to an 8 year old. Then she said that it must be a clone... Why do people think Em has been cloned? Is this girl in on this whole "eminem-illuminati" thing too? Lol kidding!
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Post by Aria on Oct 2, 2016 10:08:08 GMT -5
RANT ALERT!
I really really hate my cousin sometimes. This is a dude who is whining about having a $300 a DAY meth habit, and sees nothing wrong with continuing said habit after he medically DIED twice in one day from an overdose.
THEN, he has the audacity to tell me that prescription drugs containing opiates aren't classified as a "narcotic".
Really, cuz? Where the hell is your medical degree that says that? Because all of MY doctors are insisting I go to NA recovery and I hate to break it to you, but heroin is a fucking opiate, and it's a narcotic. So is your meth habit.
Rather than trying to brag that you're the ONLY drug addict in this family like it's a damn badge of honor and pride (tip: it's NOT), how about you look into your mother's eyes and tell me that she isn't falling apart inside because you're probably about to DIE in less than five years. Until you can do that, and actually feel shame, don't you DARE try to police what I'm doing is right or wrong!
Don't fuck with me today. I am *not* in the mood for your "the world world is a against me" bullshit. I hate to say it, I really really do (and that's probably why I'm not saying it to you directly), but your behavior and your attitude is just like your father's. Don't be that fucked up.
So yeah. That's what happened to me today...
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Post by Aria on Oct 3, 2016 4:24:51 GMT -5
Just a head's up.... I might lose connection/power again as there are MORE storms coming our way in a few hours, so I don't know if the grid will shut down again like it did last week, or what's going to happen. There's a ton of flooding all over my state right now, and some of it is local to me, but evacuation doesn't look too likely for me, at least not in my neighborhood. If I CAN keep you updated, I will do my best.
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Post by willowmoonblood on Oct 3, 2016 9:29:11 GMT -5
Aria just the small part of yourself that you have shared with us in your posting I swear I want to hug you. You have been through a lot and seem to be a very strong person. For you and sparrow to be able to fight your addictions show how strong you both are. I have never been addicted to anything stronger than Pepsi Cola (which I have pretty much been free of two years) but if those yearning for a soda are anything like craving drugs are Alcohol I don't see how y'all do it. I also suffer from depression and more so anxieties, which is a constant battle with myself to not go over the "deep end" that is is more my anxieties talking and not "real life" if I had to add the things you are facing to that I would go over the edge. Anyways I just wanted to tell both of you I admire you strength.
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Post by Aria on Oct 3, 2016 10:20:23 GMT -5
willowmoonblood I have no words I can find right now that would be enough of a thank you. I also apologize for that random rant - I had to put it somewhere, while I was gritting my teeth and replying to his Facebook comments as politely as I could. Sadly, my cousin is the type who whines about being a drug addict, but he's REALLY not that unhappy with it in reality. He just uses it for attention and sympathy. And I think, in some way, he was feeling a bit jealous that I'm getting the support from the family for getting clean, and he knows that quietly, everyone is angry with him for not even CARING about wanting to get clean. He didn't even know what NA was when I mentioned it in my status, and he was trying to correct me saying I gave AA the wrong name. Then, when I explained the NA name and had to let him know about my overdose last month he promptly went "Try having MY addiction! And prescribed drugs are not narcotics!" The ones I'm an addict of ARE, because codeine is a class II narcotic, I was even warned by friends who have to take it for medical reasons, that many have switched to heroin because the codeine strength is "no longer enough." Two DAYS after he medically died twice in hospital (they even had to put him in an induced coma) he was still using. About a week or two later, he came to visit my mom and I popped over, and we were discussing it (my extended family has only recently aware that the last year was actually a relapse from an addiction that started 13 years ago), at the time of his overdose, I had been clean for 8 years, and I always thought that mine was "mild" compared to his use - which it is, but *any* chemical addiction is hell. But he literally SHRUGGED HIS SHOULDERS and said "oh no, I'm not giving it up, I just won't take that drug I was given that night again, the other stuff, I'm going to keep doing it." I was quietly livid. His mother practically raised me growing up because my parents were battling serious mental illness and were frequently in hospital. My aunt is more of a mom to me than my own mother (both of them are aware that I feel this way) and he's her only son - her eldest. He's 35 and she's going to have to bury him before he's 40. I can feel it. He is consciously putting his mother through this - having to watch her eldest baby die slowly, and all he can think about is how people are looking at him and that they have "no right" to be upset because he's an addict, and he was abused, etc etc. That's no excuse. He's behaving like a petulant child, and I have long since lost respect for him. He SCARES me now, when I used to look up to him like a brother. When I was in hospital, I didn't "die" but I was close to it, because I had been getting worse over four days at home after the actual overdose. One more day without getting to the ER...I wouldn't be typing this, or anything again. My liver was literally shutting down. I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, I could barely move, but I was TERRIFIED that people would found out what made me so sick - my mother, especially. I have lost four children, one as recently as January last year (which is why I relapsed). My aunt has been fortunate enough not to know that pain, and I'm terrified that she will. It will never be something I could wish on anyone. Ever. I thought about my cousin's overdose a LOT while I was in there hooked up to that drip, and I started to understand. I had known for a while that I was heading to my grave VERY quickly. There were times I was taking up to 70 pills a 8-12 hour DAY, when the maximum dosage is only 6 within 24 hours. The fact I survived this long...is a miracle. And I started to let some of the anger go with my cousin, but after yesterday's interaction? I'm just pissed all over again, because I can SEE what he's doing, and it's got nothing to do with him being an addict, it's just him being an immature asshole. He's not the person I loved growing up anymore...and even if he did ever get clean (but I don't see it), he'll never be that admiral person ever again. He'll remain this narcissistic self-pitying prick the rest of his life. Clean, or not. And I don't know what's the saddest part about that...
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Post by willowmoonblood on Oct 3, 2016 12:53:54 GMT -5
Addiction is a horrible thing. On one hand I have empathy for whoever is going through it because I don't believe anyone just wakes up one morning and decides to become addicted to anything there are some underlying issues involved. Then on the other hand you have the loved ones who have to deal with the person who is addicted. Like you and your family. I would think his behavior is especially hard for you because you are fighting it yourself and his attitude toward it would upset anyone. Maybe you should hide him from your FB feed for awhile so it will not upset you. I know you can't hide him from your regular life though
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Post by sparrow on Oct 3, 2016 18:56:07 GMT -5
I am having such a hard time right now. The company I was working for suddenly let me go in August. All they said was they were "going a new direction" and eliminating my position. To this day I don't know if I was laid off or fired.
I've been collecting unemployment and doing temp stuff...but I need a new real job and it's just impossible. The last gig I got rejected for was after two phone interviews, a writing assignment, and an interview with Human Resources. Had I passed the HR interview I'd have done another interview with the hiring manager, and then--THEN--they would have asked for references. And this is for COPY EDITING.
I sometimes feel like I'm destined to be homeless and alone. I really do.
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Post by matty on Oct 3, 2016 19:54:44 GMT -5
I am having such a hard time right now. The company I was working for suddenly let me go in August. All they said was they were "going a new direction" and eliminating my position. To this day I don't know if I was laid off or fired. I've been collecting unemployment and doing temp stuff...but I need a new real job and it's just impossible. The last gig I got rejected for was after two phone interviews, a writing assignment, and an interview with Human Resources. Had I passed the HR interview I'd have done another interview with the hiring manager, and then--THEN--they would have asked for references. And this is for COPY EDITING. I sometimes feel like I'm destined to be homeless and alone. I really do. I know this is supppper corny but when I am feeling trapped or helpless I do think about em and how he pulled himself out of it multiple times. I mean honestly Em had no money...no education...no real family support...had suicidal thoughts and the pressure to bring up a child in those conditions and still made it out. I think that's one of the reasons I have followed him so long. He is a reminder that you can really get through anything if you work hard and focus on a goal. My sister told me one time that when she is sad she always gives herself one day to cry or drink or shut herself in her apartment and then the next day she starts focusing on her goals again. I know it's easier said then done but you can get through this shitty situation as a long as you keep going. So basically what I am saying is keep going!! Keep pounding the pavement!! You don't know -maybe your dream job will come out of no where tomorrow! But you have to keep trying. Think about how many labels turned Em down...and he didn't give up!!
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Post by nelly on Oct 3, 2016 19:59:07 GMT -5
So sorry to hear about what you guys are going through! sparrow it might take time but I'm sure you will find another job in your field. You did it once, you can do it again! Don't let the negative thoughts and fear get the best of you. I worked for a company that shut down unexpectedly in the past and I decided to look at it as an opportunity to get some time off to relax, almost like an extended vacation until I found something else lol We get so caught up in the stress of life that we forget to look at the silver lining. Stressing out is not going to help you find another job quicker so you might as well enjoy the "break" you are forced into. You'll be glad you did when you find your next job. You will be okay! Aria I honestly believe in removing toxic people from your life even if they are family. Especially in your situation, you don't need the aggravation! You know what they say about, holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other to die.
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Post by cally on Oct 4, 2016 8:41:41 GMT -5
sparrow I know how you feel! I've been looking for a job since my mother kicked me out of her house almost a year and a half ago, and I basically only accomplished 2 job interviews, 4 promises of calling me back(from 6 months ago), one laugh, one piece of advice wich was: "you shouldn't be here" and my family putting pressure on me to graduate like NOW, plus I don't even have a home and literally people tell me all the time I won't find a job, any kind of job, like not even related to my career bc I'm not graduated, I even feel something's wrong with me bc everyone considers I can't do anything ..."thank you very much,like I'm not already down and now you just kick me". Sometimes I think I have more chances to be Em's personal assistant than anything else... but matty is right, you just have to keep on going, when you rock bottom there's no other way than up
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Post by me on Oct 4, 2016 12:12:26 GMT -5
Aaww I'm so sorry sparrow! I kinda know how you feel. This was pretty much the worst time to graduate. 99% of my college classmates have moved abroad because the job situation is so bad here. And most companies don't even reply to applications. And if anyone is actually looking for someone, you need to have years of experience... I haven't been unemployd yet, so I'm not complaining, although I'm working jobs I don't enjoy, but looking for work sucks! So I feel ya! Don't give up just yet tho! You never know what might happen.
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Post by willowmoonblood on Oct 5, 2016 14:39:20 GMT -5
I am so sorry y'all are going through this Sparrow and Cally. My husband left his "decent" job at the local Child services agency two years ago because it became to stressful and honestly he was hard to live with, he would take the stress out on the kids and myself. So he left. He had a part time job as well as finishing up his Master's degree and we were doing Ok but then more bills came started coming in. Basically he thought driving a school bus would help the bills but the money he was stated he should make a month and the actually money he brings home is way off. So now he is looking for a full time job again, but there is nothing in our area that pays near what he is worth or would actually need to earn. The job market is rough.
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Post by me on Oct 6, 2016 7:40:15 GMT -5
Another bad thing with graduating now is, I don't know how unemployment benefits work in other countries, but in Finland in order to collect that you have to have worked for at least 6 months straight. Then you have to be unemplyed for weeks before you can collect it. Since I have studied I haven't been working. Now I have worked june-now, first cleaning and now at the school, but when my job ends next week I would need to work 1.5-2 more months to be elgible for unemployment benefit. How do I work 2 months when there is no work?? How am I supposed to eat? I'm like double screwed, I can't find a job and since I just graduated I'm not elgible for unemployment benefits... The salary I get now is not even 50% of the worst salary in Finland. In Finland people usually move away from home at the age of 20 the latest. I'm 26 and I still live at home because I can't afford to pay rent and I would probably not even be able to afford food. I feel like such a loser! I've avoided going to junior high school reunions and high school reunions because I just feel like such a loser. My friends are working, buying houses, getting married and soon having kids, and I'm unemployed, still living at home with my mom! I just feel like my life is on hold sometimes. And I just get such anxiety about after next week. I spam companies with so many applications they don't even reply me.
AND to top it all off, people should be lucky to get to search for jobs in their own language. I have to write my CV, applications and do job interviews in a foreign language. Before my job interviews I have to google all biological terms snd do a word list that I try to learn by heart and still I stutter like crazy. I probably look like an idiot trying to say something. The other option is to move abroad, but I don't know if I want to. Sometimes I feel so helpless and have so much anxiety... Sorry for venting! Sometimes I just feel like I'll probably live off my mom until I'm like 50.
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