Post by Aria on Dec 31, 2016 14:19:28 GMT -5
It's 4:52AM January 1st 2016 here - I slept through midnight after falling asleep at around 5PM, but I was going to be alone for it anyway, so I saw no need to celebrate. I did however, forget to light the menorah for the final night of Chanukah...but that can happen.
A quick re-cap of what's been going on and why I haven't been so active the last month or so, and the reasons that I'm glad a shit 2016 is now officially dead and gone for me (the only death that I was pleased to see)
January 2015 marked a time of hell for me. It had been a year since I lost my fourth baby, and it was the 5th anniversary of my fiance's death. Then, Bowie's death shook me to the core. As a long-time and devoted fan, and an artist who literally saved my life on a particular occasion when I lost my youngest daughter. There's more reasons as well, but...that's too long to explain as well. I didn't cope with it very well, to put it in the simplest way.
Just after, we found that my grandfather had dementia. Caused by excessive alcohol use many many years ago (long before I was born) which brought on Korsacoff syndrome. In May also, he was then diagnosed with lung cancer. He is not eligible for surgery on it due to his age and dementia - and he's not well enough for chemo...basically, he's dying and there's not a thing we can do.
In March, I had a bad relapse of my codeine addiction after I had a falling out with my brother - probably one of the biggest fights we have ever had...which for us, is rare. We barely ever fight, and most of our "fights" have always just been misunderstanding. Usually by me being absolutely terrified of his temper and likening him to our abusive father. But that's my issue - not his. We didn't speak for months and in May, I had added alcohol bingeing to my activities - as well as taking about 40-60 pills of codeine a day...that were compounded with paracetamol and ibuprofen (the only way you can get them here...and you can buy it over the counter in certain small doses...which was what my downfall was).
In May (as well as finding out about my opi's cancer), my boyfriend loss his son, only two weeks after he'd turned 2-years-old and only days before the anniversary of my daughter's death. A week lately, he attempted suicide and was admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I've not heard from him since.
Some of you know what happened in September - I was 6 weeks and 6 days clean, and then I relapsed. Taking 40 pills in less than 12 hours. I laid literally dying in my bed for 3 days from acute hepatitis in my liver and on the third day, my mom had me rushed to hospital and i was kept in for the first time in my life. I've been clean ever since and I've had 5 drinks max (after my liver had reached back to 100% function). I'm off my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications, though I have been contemplating returning to them as my anxiety has returned.
In December....we lost Crowley, my 9-month-old puppy. It was extremely sudden, and he needed emergency surgery to have his gall bladder and bile duct removed due to a blockage in his duct of gall tones that had somehow gotten stuck. But the next day when my mom came around...she found him on the floor, where he had spent his last moments vomiting himself to death.
And I'm not even going to speak on all the other losses throughout the year - it's hard enough typing out the ones I already have.
As I'm writing this now, my brother and his fiance are down visiting over the holidays - but his fiance scares and spikes my anxiety so much that I've barely seen them - they're staying with my mom. On top of that, the fiance has severe illnesses that are life-threatening, EDS being one of them (Ehler's Danlos Syndrome for those who don't know what EDS stands for) as well as heart disease, fragile lungs and gastropernisis (or however it is spelled) She's become ill while down here and was rushed to hospital two nights ago. She's fine...but in all honesty? I can't bring myself to rejoice about it. I'll rejoice when they go home. I don't know what it is about her...but something is off. Her illnesses have nothing to do with it, it's her personality itself. I just don't feel calm around her, and it's made me really frightened to be near her most days.
That's all the bad stuff, though... there were a few good times in 2016 - but they were fleeting. I got a new niece in September (not from my brother...my niece's mom is a really really close friend I've had since I was a child), and in April...I got to have dinner with someone whom I really really admired from one of my favorite TV shows. And in May, my grandparents, two of my aunts and my favorite cousin drove from the country and shared my 30th birthday with me. That's special to me, because my cousin, her mom and my grandparents are Jehovah's Witnesses - I haven't spent a birthday with any of them in 25 years since they converted. It will probably be the last time I will ever share one with them - especially now that my opi is dying (though we didn't know about his cancer until a week later at that point).
Recently, I have been looking for employment...with no luck so far, and trying to get myself out of my house more. I'm not sure if I've mentioned before, but I am recovering from severe agoraphobia that left me housebound for several years. I had a breakdown in 2006, and was completely housebound by 2009. In October 2013 I started my recovery. Over the last year, I hit a few hurdles and went kind of backwards. But my New Year's Resolution for 2017 is to fix that - I have a vacation with my mom in May to look forward to. We're flying interstate for a Supernatural convention - which I sometimes get my moments of "I'm not going to make it...I'm not ready" and then flip to "Fuck it, I'm doing this!" Over the last three weeks though, there's been more of the former sticking in my head. Today...I'm having a "let's get it done" mood.
I'm also looking to move house. Same area, just different house. This one is simply hateful and I wish I would burn to the ground most days. I've been here since 2008, but my life has moved into a different stage. This house became my prison and is filled with misery. I am planning to try for being a mother again, but I can't raise a child in this house. Unfortunately, the rental market is a piece of shit, and my Disability Pension won't cover a week's rent in any of the houses available in the area - especially since I'll be taking Ori with me - pet friendly housing is more expensive. Leaving Ori out of the equation, is NOT an option, as he's my unofficial "therapy" companion for my anxiety and recovery.
So I need employment first. But, when you're 30 and your last proper work experience was in 2003, employers don't really give you much of a chance. Even if you *did* run for political office in 2006. Nevertheless, I'm still trudging along.
I'm also determined to get at least ONE of my books completed and published this year. Or at least half-finished if I can't do much else. I'm not even sure which one it will be, as I have three candidates that I have on the front burner (my trilogy is going to take longer, so that's not my first or second choice at the moment).
So, I have big goals, I guess. But I'm feeling so much more positive now that 2016 is over. I've lost friends (some by the grim reaper, some by choice) and I've even gained some. And I'm reluctantly accepting that I can count myself as "single" again (after 5 months of hearing nothing...I don't have much of a choice there).
Do you have any NY's Resolutions? Or maybe just goals and plans? I'd love to hear about them!
I hope that your 2017 is wonderful, successful, prosperous and all the other good things. It's got to be better than last year, doesn't it? Much love and happy licks from me and Ori to all of you. May 2017 give you peace.
A quick re-cap of what's been going on and why I haven't been so active the last month or so, and the reasons that I'm glad a shit 2016 is now officially dead and gone for me (the only death that I was pleased to see)
January 2015 marked a time of hell for me. It had been a year since I lost my fourth baby, and it was the 5th anniversary of my fiance's death. Then, Bowie's death shook me to the core. As a long-time and devoted fan, and an artist who literally saved my life on a particular occasion when I lost my youngest daughter. There's more reasons as well, but...that's too long to explain as well. I didn't cope with it very well, to put it in the simplest way.
Just after, we found that my grandfather had dementia. Caused by excessive alcohol use many many years ago (long before I was born) which brought on Korsacoff syndrome. In May also, he was then diagnosed with lung cancer. He is not eligible for surgery on it due to his age and dementia - and he's not well enough for chemo...basically, he's dying and there's not a thing we can do.
In March, I had a bad relapse of my codeine addiction after I had a falling out with my brother - probably one of the biggest fights we have ever had...which for us, is rare. We barely ever fight, and most of our "fights" have always just been misunderstanding. Usually by me being absolutely terrified of his temper and likening him to our abusive father. But that's my issue - not his. We didn't speak for months and in May, I had added alcohol bingeing to my activities - as well as taking about 40-60 pills of codeine a day...that were compounded with paracetamol and ibuprofen (the only way you can get them here...and you can buy it over the counter in certain small doses...which was what my downfall was).
In May (as well as finding out about my opi's cancer), my boyfriend loss his son, only two weeks after he'd turned 2-years-old and only days before the anniversary of my daughter's death. A week lately, he attempted suicide and was admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I've not heard from him since.
Some of you know what happened in September - I was 6 weeks and 6 days clean, and then I relapsed. Taking 40 pills in less than 12 hours. I laid literally dying in my bed for 3 days from acute hepatitis in my liver and on the third day, my mom had me rushed to hospital and i was kept in for the first time in my life. I've been clean ever since and I've had 5 drinks max (after my liver had reached back to 100% function). I'm off my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications, though I have been contemplating returning to them as my anxiety has returned.
In December....we lost Crowley, my 9-month-old puppy. It was extremely sudden, and he needed emergency surgery to have his gall bladder and bile duct removed due to a blockage in his duct of gall tones that had somehow gotten stuck. But the next day when my mom came around...she found him on the floor, where he had spent his last moments vomiting himself to death.
And I'm not even going to speak on all the other losses throughout the year - it's hard enough typing out the ones I already have.
As I'm writing this now, my brother and his fiance are down visiting over the holidays - but his fiance scares and spikes my anxiety so much that I've barely seen them - they're staying with my mom. On top of that, the fiance has severe illnesses that are life-threatening, EDS being one of them (Ehler's Danlos Syndrome for those who don't know what EDS stands for) as well as heart disease, fragile lungs and gastropernisis (or however it is spelled) She's become ill while down here and was rushed to hospital two nights ago. She's fine...but in all honesty? I can't bring myself to rejoice about it. I'll rejoice when they go home. I don't know what it is about her...but something is off. Her illnesses have nothing to do with it, it's her personality itself. I just don't feel calm around her, and it's made me really frightened to be near her most days.
That's all the bad stuff, though... there were a few good times in 2016 - but they were fleeting. I got a new niece in September (not from my brother...my niece's mom is a really really close friend I've had since I was a child), and in April...I got to have dinner with someone whom I really really admired from one of my favorite TV shows. And in May, my grandparents, two of my aunts and my favorite cousin drove from the country and shared my 30th birthday with me. That's special to me, because my cousin, her mom and my grandparents are Jehovah's Witnesses - I haven't spent a birthday with any of them in 25 years since they converted. It will probably be the last time I will ever share one with them - especially now that my opi is dying (though we didn't know about his cancer until a week later at that point).
Recently, I have been looking for employment...with no luck so far, and trying to get myself out of my house more. I'm not sure if I've mentioned before, but I am recovering from severe agoraphobia that left me housebound for several years. I had a breakdown in 2006, and was completely housebound by 2009. In October 2013 I started my recovery. Over the last year, I hit a few hurdles and went kind of backwards. But my New Year's Resolution for 2017 is to fix that - I have a vacation with my mom in May to look forward to. We're flying interstate for a Supernatural convention - which I sometimes get my moments of "I'm not going to make it...I'm not ready" and then flip to "Fuck it, I'm doing this!" Over the last three weeks though, there's been more of the former sticking in my head. Today...I'm having a "let's get it done" mood.
I'm also looking to move house. Same area, just different house. This one is simply hateful and I wish I would burn to the ground most days. I've been here since 2008, but my life has moved into a different stage. This house became my prison and is filled with misery. I am planning to try for being a mother again, but I can't raise a child in this house. Unfortunately, the rental market is a piece of shit, and my Disability Pension won't cover a week's rent in any of the houses available in the area - especially since I'll be taking Ori with me - pet friendly housing is more expensive. Leaving Ori out of the equation, is NOT an option, as he's my unofficial "therapy" companion for my anxiety and recovery.
So I need employment first. But, when you're 30 and your last proper work experience was in 2003, employers don't really give you much of a chance. Even if you *did* run for political office in 2006. Nevertheless, I'm still trudging along.
I'm also determined to get at least ONE of my books completed and published this year. Or at least half-finished if I can't do much else. I'm not even sure which one it will be, as I have three candidates that I have on the front burner (my trilogy is going to take longer, so that's not my first or second choice at the moment).
So, I have big goals, I guess. But I'm feeling so much more positive now that 2016 is over. I've lost friends (some by the grim reaper, some by choice) and I've even gained some. And I'm reluctantly accepting that I can count myself as "single" again (after 5 months of hearing nothing...I don't have much of a choice there).
Do you have any NY's Resolutions? Or maybe just goals and plans? I'd love to hear about them!
I hope that your 2017 is wonderful, successful, prosperous and all the other good things. It's got to be better than last year, doesn't it? Much love and happy licks from me and Ori to all of you. May 2017 give you peace.
